Slinking back in

I feel like I am sneaking - I've been a bad blogger, a slacker. I've bailed on Wish Casting Wednesday and Tarot Thursday. I've squinted my eyes each week as the reports come in and I see that pretty much no one stops by here anymore - and why would you? There's nothing new to see. I feel like I need a note from the principal in order to return to class. I can come in, can't I? For a post or two maybe?

So okay - there have been some issues going on around here. They are pretty big issues and in and out of the issues I'm struggling with being very depressed and feeling a little helpless to resolve, or even begin to address those issues. Occasionally I speak about the issues in my life - this time there are so many that it's hard to begin! But I will. (You knew that, didn't you?)

I can tell you that one of the issues is my health. I find myself getting really angry about it as I type. Really angry. I have this groovy tumor that's not going to make me REALLY SICK, but it's going to make me feel really icky, experience lots of pain and try my very resolve to get out of bed each morning. But it's not going to allow me to stop working, bail out on carrying the groceries or garner any sympathy whatsoever (I mean really!). Then there's that fibromyalgia thing and we won't even begin to discuss my irritation with that little buggaboo. And! (Might as well get it all out!) about a month ago or so, I started having panic attacks. Like I needed something else! Ya, I'm miffed.

But, anger is pointless unless it leads to right action. Not to mention that the cumulative effect of hosting that anger in my body has certainly added to the symptoms of stress which have so multiplied in the last several months. I have been exhausted beyond measure, and I've experienced the greatest pain that I can ever recall. So, in the last few months I've been trying to make some changes - and for me anyway, change works in fits and spurts. I've not been as successful as I'd hoped to be, I've not absolutely stopped drinking soda and I confess that I've not absolutely stopped smoking. But! For both of those items I've cut so far back that were I not diligently honest, I could fake you out and let you believe I'd stopped. It's much improved and as a result, I'm feeling a little bit better. Not a lot, but more than a little. Issues are always easier to accept and resolve (or at least contemplate creative resolutions) when you're not feeling physically terrible too. Poor health I think can be the beginning of a vicious cycle; and I'm trying not to interrupt that cycle.

The fun part - and I say this just in case there's anyone reading that is considering making a change - is this: Once you begin, it doesn't take a lot for the snowball to begin gathering it's own weight. The positive feelings that come from just a two baby steps provide the impetus to take the next few baby steps. For instance, drinking water (I get these groovy reminders from HassleBot every couple of hours to get a glass of water - you should try it!) - once you do it for a day or two, your body begins to love you for it and beg for more. Honest! I find now that I have just as great an urge to get a glass of water as I once did to FIND A SODA NOW! I wake up each morning and now, rather than force myself to pour a glass of water, I MUST have water. I can't say, that when facing a particularly stressful and difficult moment I don't want to retreat to my old habit (and still, often I do!) but at least I have added one positive habit. Not so bad. And, the little bit of feeling better is just fuel to the fire. (whispers, don't be afraid of change). My oldest daughter, Satori Marie (google Satori, find out what it means, it's SO perfect for this blog post!) says that the same thing will happen with exercise. She says that it won't take long before you wake and find that your body MUST MOVE. I'm not sure I believe her! But I suppose I should because starting tonight, my new walking companion, Bear, is coming to live with me! I'll write about Bear another time, but he's going to be my coach and get me moving each morning. I can't wait and I sure hope Satori is right.

A couple of things happened during my haitus which would have made great blog posts. One was this beautiful orchid you see up there. My friend had given me that orchid as a housewarming gift when I moved in here a year ago (It's really been a year since I posted about that donkey!) Several months afterwards, it dropped it's flowers and looked icky. Now, if you knew me much, when I tell you the next words, you will laugh. You will think, "Yup! That's Lee!" It looked dead, it really did! And, every week, when I watered my plants, I'd say, "I need to empty that dirt and make better use of that pretty pot." And every week, I never found time. And (this is the part that should make you smile) every week, as I stood there, watering can in hand, tending to orchid's neighbors; I was unable to resist giving him just a little water too. I mean, I was right there, eh? What could it hurt? Yeah, I know he's dead, he's really dead and sorry looking, but it's just a little water and it doesn't hurt anything. Then - several weeks ago - TADA!! There bloomed that incredible flower. Is that beautiful? It was like a sign to me. In the midst of all this rotten stuff, life goes on, beauty exists, and there are lovely surprises. It's a simple surprise, just a little flower. And in its simplicity,it is perfect. Don't you think? I welcome more of those surprises into my life!

I'll leave you with that thought. I think I'll be back soon; I'm feeling a little better and some of the issues are not quite screaming at me in the face. Still there but more like whispering behind my back. And I have to tell you all about Bear!

Cheers!
~Lee