Wishcasting Wednesday

Well...I didn't just take a little break from blogging; I fell off the blogging planet. I hope someone still remembers me! Some very kind people have emailed asking about me; and I'm sorry to say that I ignored them. What follows is a little bit of why.

I have, for the last ten years of my life, been involved in what we shall call for the moment, a difficult, challenging relationship. This relationship, in any of its hundreds of mutations, has simply drained me of all that I have. I suspect that I'm going to talk about that some in the days to come. For now, I will share briefly this news; my partner has passed on.

This reality leaves me with such extremes of emotion that I have a great deal of difficulty navigating the poles. One moment I am filled with great sorrow, the next with anger, even fury. I had sent him from my home with the words, "Don't come back until you check into rehab!" Each day since then has been a constant struggle with my will. Each day held the potential that I would succumb to his pleas, and my own loneliness and sorrow and return, initiating, again, an unending cycle. The day of his death ended that cycle and I am oh so very empty...well, empty that is, when I'm not filled with wild passionate feeling. Today, I will not race to his side, today, I will not receive words, the words which say, "I get it baby, I'm headed to rehab right now, wait for me!"

And so, Jamie's tender question, "What do you wish to be gentle with?" arrives at the least gentle of times. Today, and for likely many days to come, I want to be gentle with myself (someone made a bet this would be the most prolific of answers to Jamie's question). I need to be gentle with everyone around me. I need to be gentle with small children and large buildings. I need not clang everyone over the head with the truth, and while being gentle with the feelings of everyone around me, I need to remember to be gentle with me, because I know the truth. I have been living this awful truth for ten years. When I blow it, and scream the truth to those who will not hear, I need to forgive myself for not being more tender with their feelings and learn to live with my own truth. I cannot do so silently, I know the deadly danger in that path, instead I must find gentle ways of living my truth, and gently sort out when it is important to speak, and important to remain silent.

I plead for gentle steering ahead, to softly glide around the rocks, and to navigate from the rocky shoals without the crash and burn which looms so starkly ahead.

I hope that I can write more now. The obstacles to my writing have been cleared and I find that the reasons I must write, are the very same reason why I have not written. The truth is sometimes not so gentle; but I can gently sit with what is not gentle.