Are still hard to speak about. I'm worried that my sloth might slow down the group. Occasionally, truth is difficult, tender - especially when it's easy and oh so obvious I believe. Maybe that's what makes them so hard; they should have been easy.
Have you ever just begun something, say, a dance, or a trip across a covered bridge? When you first cross that threshold, you can suspect, maybe even believe, that you know where the journey will lead; but you're not absolutely sure. No. The truth is, you don't want to be sure.
They say it's a sure sign something is up when one begins speaking in the second person. Yes? Okay, let's try this again. I can see down the road, I can feel the fog settling on my skin, I hear birds singing from far off. the other side of the bridge is hardly a mystery - I think it's the getting there that troubles me. But, at this moment, though I'm pretty certain of where I'm headed, I'm doin' right fine just to dance around these first few steps inside the threshold thank you very much! I was going to continue avoiding this discussion (and likely I'll continue to do some fancy dancing and shape shifting!) but then...
This evening, I'm blogging around (I just love that phrase!) and I happen to come by the blog of a bookbinder and conservationist. Lovely blog. Just lovely. AND!! About the last place I'd expect to see the Judgment card! There it was my friends, waiting just for me, a deck that I don't recognize. AND! I don't recognize this deck but it's even more cheery than my Universal Waite. PPFFTT. Okay, so now I have to take a look at this. I mean, when tarot cards start popping up on my library blogging route, something demands my attention.
So, just inside the threshold where I'm hanging around, lingering, okay maybe lollygagging - I am greeted by Judgment. I can see those other cards, but they're down the path and I'm lingering here just at the very beginning. I kind of like it here, pretty comfy, not too wet. "Hang out for me down there guys, I'll be along in a bit!"
{Insert/Sidebar/Glimpse inside my brain: When I "see" this post I am standing, just inside the covered bridge North of Nobelesville,Indiana. I can't remember the name of the bridge but the neighborhood is called Riverview. It's a beautiful place, my family outtings were often there, my father and grandfather, my uncles and cousins fished there. But in this view, which stays with me the entire time I am writing, it's raining outside and I am alone. Perhaps it's late autumn, the leaves are gone, the soil is muddy and I am wearing a cloak. I have girly boots on, not at all like me and surely not appropriate for the muddy sod. I'm standing just over the threshold, one foot inside but not quite all of me. The boards of the bridge whistle and sing and I hesitate to go any further. Surely this wood has grown less secure than it was in my childhood. Surely the weight of years has weakened the structure and leaves me in danger. Yet I know this is safe, how many have crossed this path before me in safety...yet I delay.I know every board on this bridge, every crevice, every tiny place where children stop to drop rocks into the river below, and every dark corner where young lovers linger, why do I delay?}
And, for today, Judgment speaks to me. Look at that card. Is that a sad, scary, hold your breath kind of card? Look! It's a happy card! Maybe tomorrow I will be struck by deeper, less obvious symbolism, you know, maybe tomorrow I'll read all that subtle, gypsy kind of groovy stuff. But for today, all I can see is those happy colors. The Joy in this card just about knocks me over each time I walk by. Do those people look like they're partying or what?
I think that's not how this card looked to me in the past. I know, I know - this is a card of freedom from struggle and release. I guess that's kind of jubilant, but I'm pretty convinced that in the past, I thought those people were pleading, not partying. I know what they say. I also know what I know tonight, just tonight. And tonight, that card is jubilant - Jubilation. (I only typed it three times, I've said it about 20 times in my mind) That's a word I think few would associate with me. I'm a little on the grey side generally speaking. And each time I walk past my altar, these cards, this one specifically almost irritate me with their bright, cheery colors. PPFFTTT.
Why does this card bother me so much? WHY! Okay, I'm going to tell you why. It bothers me because it's not scary! Judgment is supposed to be frightening is it not? After all, I have fallen short, I have screwed up, I dropped the ball. I have a million phrases for it and those are only the ones with language fit for a public place. And none of them, let me tell you, none of them are present in this card! Not in my own deck and not in some surprise deck ambushing me from the corner of the preservation room! Maybe I should go find my Thoth deck - maybe it's a scary card in that deck. There will be hell to pay! I'm convinced of it. And when judgment comes, it's time to pay the tab.
But now I wonder. Could it be, is it possible, that when seen from Infinity, from the eyes of the Divine, I don't come up quite so short? Maybe I'm okay after all? I can go to all those seminars with the best of you and say the words, "I am okay, I am Divine, I AM!" but the truth is, I don't believe them. I think I've got a lot invested in not being okay, in being sure that I'll face that judgment someday and my name's going to get crossed off of some Cosmic party list. The tender truth is that I treasure my unworthiness, I keep it close to my heart and protect it fiercely. It's the place I know most intimately, I know the heartsounds and the footfalls, the accusative voices, the disappointed eyes. "...for that which I have done that I ought not have done and that which I should have done but have failed to do..." Oh I hear those words when there is nothing but the wind. There are all those, "Lee didn'ts" to be answered for, those are worse, but not much than the "Lee didits." When it's time to settle up the accounts, I've just been a little bit concerned that I didn't bring enough cash and my card will be rejected. But maybe, maybe those words I say by wrote after some inspiring gathering really are true and not just a crutch as I so often fear, to keep me going until that terrible day of judgment sneaks up and clobbers me from behind. Maybe my debit sheet isn't so unbalanced after all. Maybe? You think?
Maybe, just maybe, judgment is jubilant. Maybe there's some stuff on that list that's pure, that's Holy, loving, kind. Maybe all the "Lee didn'ts" and the "Lee Didits" are Divine. Interesting concept, yes? Think I have to dance with that one for awhile.
Go dance yourself instead of sitting round reading LONGGGG posts about covered bridges and cheerful tarot cards!
~Lee
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