I'm so amazed that Jamie keeps coming up with these wonderful, provocative questions. This week she asks us, "What do you wish to connect to?" Ha!
That list got long. It got really long, really fast. My partner, my daughter, my employer, my profession, that Cosmic Conduit, a woman healer,my garden.....yes, it got to be a really long list and it left me in despair. Suddenly I realized, I am disconnected! Really. I am. So..I did what I tend to do; I wallowed in the despair for awhile. I let that feeling sink in all the way to the bone marrow. I am disconnected. Thanks, Jamie for giving me a moment to really feel it, to acknowledge that truth and honor it. I am disconnected. And, I need to get connected. NOW.
To what? To whom? To a place? To a home? Maybe a friend or two? Source? Wallow, wallow, wallow some more. When it hit me this morning. I am not disconnected! I can never be disconnected. Not from Source, not from God, not from All That Is. Never. So if I can't be disconnected, what's going on? What is this despair that's been floating around me for so very long now?
A long time ago, seems like lifetimes ago, I had a vision. It was a beautiful image, descending to me this perfect, pulsing, Light-Radiating hand. I was told to join my own hand. It's been a long time, but you see, this hand had to do with holding one of my hands while the other of my hands held my client. Over time, I stepped into this ritual of seeing "The Hand" clasping my own before I initiated any kind of work with clients. That hand came back to me today and I realized, very clearly, that I am the client. I need to connect with me. I want to somehow connect with that playful, fearless, creative woman that once was me.
Partner often reminds me how I speak of all the things I "used" to do. I used to be a spinner, I used to garden, I used to do lots of things, I used to bake and sew. I don't want to do all those things again. Nope. Really. Not all of them; but I do want to connect to that woman who tried things, who learned and succeeded and created. I'm not sure where she went, but I'd sure like to make introductions and re-new that connection.
I believe that many of us experience disconnect as we age. Many of the pinnacles of my life happened in youth. Oh, I'm not just talking about the birthing of our children but I am remembering the explosive creativity, the profound awareness and spiritual growth that accompanied that time. I mean, I think I had my peak spiritual experiences while I sat with crying children, washed diapers and danced Maypoles. I'm convinced that I once stopped a speeding car soley by the influence of my will, just inches from an errant daugther. I remember spining pounds and pounds of wool with babies on my lap and experiencing the deepest meditation I've experienced or can imagine experiencing.
Some days, getting older seems a bit dull - does it not? Yet, I don't want to wash diapers and only rarely do I wish to achieve the feat of calming a squirming child while simultaneously attempting to accomplish something I want to do. What then? I don't want to be young again - but I think I'm beginning to understand that I do wish to dance with my younger self, to somehow "bring her forward." I want to remember living with no reserve, with nothing held back - the self that danced before konwing that occasionally the world is painful and unkind. I'd like to connect with her and maybe she can connect with the older woman and somehow create what I believe others have called the Wise Woman. I didn't realize that until I typed the words just now. I'd like to connect my young mama self with my older malee self. Yes, That's what I'd like to connect - the two parts of this whole woman.(Just so some of you know, I backspaced over the Cr_n_ word because I am just simply not ready to accept that yet.)
Thanks Jamie.
I'll explain the photos tomorrow!
Cheers - ~Lee
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