Struggle is optional

Gosh! I had a lot of blog plans and I'm just not sure where they went. It seemed for a few weeks there that I was in a fit of creating - aprons, pot holders, pincushions, knitting and some feeble ATC attempts. And I didn't blog any of it! Well, I made these pincushions on a lark and then signed up for a swap. I rather like them. I've been reading again some (and man oh man do I have a lot to say about The Last Lecture but I'm not sure that I should!) and cleaning and mostly worrying some about if and where I'm going to move. But! more important to me at the moment is something I have not been doing.

I have not smoked a cigarette since February 22nd. Now. I agonized over that sentence. I almost typed, "I smoked my last cigarette on February 22nd." I suppose that I'm a bit too proud and don't like the humiliation of ever being wrong and so I just could not bring myself to type it that way. Because the truth is, I might race out to the store any minute and smoke my next one.

I did not intend to begin this endeavor. Well, we all know that of course I did! But the small me, the me that is my brain and personality did not begin this journey on purpose. It happened by accident (and of course, there are no accidents). It was Sunday night and I just didn't feel like going to the store for cigarettes when I ran out. Then Monday I forgot and by the end of the workday Monday I just wanted to go home and crash. Before I knew it, Tuesday night was here and I wanted to smoke but I had no cigarettes. So, I just played this little game with myself. It's called the, "do you feel like going to the store just for cigarettes" game. I didn't. And, I still don't. Well, maybe I do a little bit, but so far, it's not an overwhelming urge.

Then I announced it on Twitter. Now, another thing. When I announced it on Twitter, I wasn't BRAGGING that I hadn't had a cigarette. I wasn't announcing that I didn't intend to have another cigarette. I was actually complaining! In the same way that coffee addicts say things like, "Well, I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet." Someone responded to my post with congratulations and I, liar that I am, accepted them. And so it goes. And then I continued the game. I think I won't go to the store for smokes today. Nah, I won't go, too busy, have other things to do. Besides, I don't really want one that bad. Yet. Maybe you will tonight. Okay then, well, tonight if you really want to, you'll go to the store I suppose. But not yet.

A few people around work wanted to know "how I did it." But the truth is, I hadn't yet done it. And, I don't know that I ever will have done it. I haven't quit. I can't even say that I'm "quitting." I just didn't smoke yesterday or yet today. I'm not setting it in stone, I'm not creating a battle, I'm not going to struggle. At this moment, all I'm doing is letting the part of me that wants to breath clear and smell fresh and not spend $6 a day on something unnecessary carry the day. I might decide later today to let the part of me that loves that deep inhale take over.

But not yet. Not yet today.

This post is dedicated to my Dad. My Dad quit smoking one day, without warning after , I'm guessing, 40 years or so of smoking 3 plus packs a day. There was no fanfare, no speech, no "quitting date." One day, he just did it. I myself have quit a couple of times in the past, once for several years! During that one long haitus I had asked my father, "Hey Dad! How long before I'll stop WANTING to smoke?" And my Dad answered, some 20 years after he'd quit, "Never." He went on to tell me that not a day passed, and often not an hour, when he didn't WANT to have a smoke...but, he said, "I just don't." That's my Dad for you, "I just don't." I think of that , or have thought of that often this last week. I might go to the store in a minute, but right now, "I just don't." Thanks, Dad.