Some might say that I have a lot of nerve calling myself a knitter. The truth is, I have two finished products under my belt - and VERY MANY half finished ones. One finished item was a very (say VERY again) easy baby blanket. The blanket is knit on the diagonal, adding a stitch each row until you reach the length you'd like to achieve and then decreasing each row until you finish. The second item is a very pretty washcloth which looks like a rose petal.

That's it. That's all I've ever finished.

I knit when I was a child. I can recall hours and hours and scarf after scarf. I wonder why I stopped knitting? Two years ago, with a grandson on the way, I decided to give it a try. I decided on a whim one day to make this blanket and I'm not quite sure how I pulled it off, but I did and it was beautiful.

I'm clumsy, I'm impatient, I think I'm even sloppy. I finished the blanket for Bradley and it looked beautiful! I've knit it once again and it was so awful that I ripped it all out and now, I'm finishing up again for my another granddaughter. This time, I think it may be salvable.

I buy kniting books and needles. Spend time in knitting stores and daydream of all the projects I'd like to work. I have skeins and skeins of unknit yarn because I can't resist. I love the feel of yarn in my hands, I love everything about knitting and yet I struggle to complete even the simplest of projects. I wonder why?

Well, I think one piece of it is my internal critic. My partner pointed something out to me, when I wondered why Bradley's blanket went so well and fast while Madison's blanket has been a stop/start, rip out and start again, agonizing effort. He said that he recalled the day I decided to knit the blanket for Brad - I didn't have any expectation of the outcome, I was just looking for something to do and I picked up the needles to play. I think he might be on to something. The first piece was childlike, I was just "giving it a go" and now, I analyze and struggle and want to produce something perfect. We even went so far as to calculate the number of stitches in my diagonal blanket, the time per stitch and thus, the total time spent knitting the article. What's wrong with this picture?

I've been reading Zen and the Art of Knitting by Bernadette Murphy. I won't bother to repeat her words (it's a wonderful read, get a copy!) but I will share what was left in my consciousness at the close of the first few sections. I began to "watch" myself as I knit. Wow! Hunched over, shoulders tight, jaw tense, face twisted. No wonder I never finished anything! For the last few nights, I've taken to watching MYSELF instead of watching the lack of perfection in my work. Breath, relax the jaw, stop frowning, drop shoulders. Watch each stitch but with love and desire, not criticism. "...take it off the needle. Now, the next one." I think of Madison with each stitch, pictures of her laughing and smiling behind, "...now the next one."

The difference is incredible. As I do this more and more, the happy, peaceful memories of my childhood knitting come flooding back and I find that I am knitting faster, neater but that I am relaxed, not pressured, not completing some race. Mindful of each stitch, I find that I am enjoying the process rather than chastizing myself for the length of time it's taken (okay, Madison will be two this December!) to finish this simple project.

One thing, relax and focus on the stitch. I suspect that this will spill over into my "other" life. I have several deep and I'm sure profound thoughts about this but I'd like to knit a moment before the household wakes.

Cheers!