Wishcasting Wednesday

Jamie, over at Starshyne Productions has this wonderful inspiration for Wishcasting Wednesday. I'll let you read all about it on her blog. I've been following the posts, and I've not jumped in for half a dozen reasons or so, all of them having to do with time and commitment and a few more of them having to do with being a tiny bit shy and not so much a joiner. But, I have to laugh at my response when I landed on her blog today. The question is simple: What do you wish to read? (Can you hear me laughing?)

A few of you know me rather well and I bet at least one or two of you are already imagining my mental answers. They went like this: I'd like to read my children's eyes, I'd like to read my own tarot cards with skill and without doubt and with bone baring honesty. I'd like to read my own heart, the wishes of my mother and the hopes of my brothers. I'd like to read the needs and wishes of my colleagues and friends, and I'd really like to read the Heart of the Holy Ones. I went on like this for some time today. And eventually, I was silenced. Am I overthinking this one just a bit? Maybe? You think? Ahem. Um, I am a librarian you know!

So! What do I want to read? Well...

For starters, I'd like to finish the last five hundred pages or so of Kristen Lavrensdatter. I loved it so much the times I read it before - this time, not so much. I find myself being more than a little impatient with her willfullness and lack of foresight. But, I hate leaving a book half read and so I cannot pick up something else until this is done.

Then! I'd like to really read everything I own. Yes, that's right. How many books have I just skimmed? All those books a therapist suggested, all those massage and healing books that I opened to the precise bit of information I needed, Job's Body comes to mind, and then put down to gather dust. I'd like to read all those books that were too painful for me to process.

I always return, every year or so, to Brothers Karamozov and I randomly pick something from Charles Dickens. Cynthia always inspires me with her poetry selections and I really wish that I read more poetry. I've promised to soon begin The Book Thief and Eat, Pray, Love.

Really, I just like to read. When I read, my thoughts are more colorful, my language more precise and I believe (or imagine) that I make more sense when I speak. Let me know if you notice any improvement in the next few posts!

I wish this enrichment in my life, for my soul. Let it be so.

~Lee

Round in a circle we go:

I love to blog. I love to write. I love words and the play of words on the lips, on paper and spoken.

So, when I find that I’m not writing, in some form or another, there’s generally one reason. And that reason, generally speaking of course, is that my thoughts have become a tangled ball and I’m searching for the one magic strand that I can pull, releasing the jumble so that it flows effortlessly through my hands, my head and my life in a smooth, straight and easy pull. This time is just like the others. Sometimes I can’t even find the tangled ball of yarn, it’s hiding beneath the couch, or in the car, or somewhere in a forgotten satchel, and the satchel is in Indiana, forgotten beneath the crumbling statues left behind. Often, I don’t even know I’m looking for the tangle until I find it.


Tonight I found the tangled mess of thoughts and I saw how it had wound its way around the whole of my life. I might not quite unravel it all in one post – I know you all don’t like to read that long! But I’d like to begin.


Some of you have actually followed the progression of my posts – and only a very few have been astute enough to follow the path, and a few have been kind enough to notice and email. On the surface, my blog has no cohesion. Okay, I can live with that. I am a librarian, I knit, I craft, I sew. I am a mother and I have a wild variety of English garden interests. Those are many, but not all of the things that I am. I am passionate about many more things; even more than those mentioned here. And that is where some of the trouble begins.


For the past few months I have made for myself a quiet commitment. That commitment has been to be more the librarian that I dream that I would be if I were working in another magical library someplace in the ethers. That library would be filled with other librarians, with students asking “hard” questions, I would be creating magnificent displays and tutorials. If only….

So, I’ve begun really doing that.

When I have students ask more one more time! to fix a printer jam, I’m taking the time to then ask them about the project that’s jammed our printer (that I even said OUR printer is really a strong indicator of the change in my attitude.) Once I find out about their projects, I’m able to ask questions, to show interest and suggest resources. I’m working on tutorials and doing all that paperwork that sometimes seems so simple and routine that I let it pile up to gargantuan proportions. I can see the results of my efforts. I can actually count the results each morning as I record the door numbers. I no longer leave that silly task for Friday knowing that the average will be the same whether I record the number daily or weekly. By recording daily, I am able to see, or at least assume with some certainty, the results of what I did the day before. Ah, yesterday I was very proactive and walked around, chatting a bit and smiling at students. I willingly worked on the printer rather than doing so in a way that no matter how I thought I protected my secret resentment, surely must have energetically jumped into my students’ being. And, the numbers were UP! My circulation has increased because I’ve been making suggestions and asking questions. I have been present.

And, I come home more tired each evening. The enthusiasm seems to have stopped at 5 PM. Why? Because when I get home, I can no longer turn off the effort it takes to not look for that ball of tangled yarn. It has been as though, somehow, if I am to be a real librarian, I cannot knit, I cannot give any energy to those other parts of myself.

It would be easy to say that the circumstances of my life are the root of the silence. Indeed, my current circumstance is quite difficult and challenging. It would probably more true to unearth some deep and engrained pattern in my thinking and my way of being. But for now, here’s just one of the small threads that I can pull.


As I become more and more enthusiastic about my work and focus more on practicing the real skills of my profession, there is less and less time for other pursuits. No. Let’s say it correctly…there is less and less time for the expression of my other pursuits here on my blog. Here’s the real truth. I received an email from a reader who indicated that she could no longer read because I am blogging about the ummm, I’ll just use my own words, about that evil, occult stuff. Now, on the surface my thought in response was, “okay, don’t read.” I am not here, or at least I have not been here, to attract some gaggle of readers or make myself a name. Right? Really? Well. Maybe not.

At the same time I am reading all “that stuff” about your individual, personal online brand. Oh no! I’ve no brand! I am all over the place and writing about the wrong things for the wrong audience!

And so, I did not write that blog post about the Fool card as I committed myself to do. Honest. I worried myself that it didn’t look very “librariany.” The phrase that comes to mind, as I finally claim the tangled ball of my own yarn is, “that sucks!” Really. That sucks. What if all my (there are hoards you know) new librarian friends stop reading that crazy, occult lady? What if my new librarian friends think my silly, not often perfect craft projects are less than professional? OR! What if I offend with my political views? What if I stumble in my expression of my social and cultural beliefs? What if I photograph the garden that I intend to grow this summer and it dies? I hope someone can see where I’m going. Cuz we’re almost there.


Yes. We’re here: The Fool card. The post I didn’t write. Look at that happy fellow! Look at how his feet land just inches away from disaster. Why isn’t he disturbed? Why isn’t he looking around and behind and below? The Fool travels light. He’s not carrying around all that concern about what others think, about whether or not he’s done the right thing or spoken the proper words. In utter and primitive innocence he goes where he must. Yes, there is more meaning, deeper and more profound meaning. But what is seen in the card changes to meet perfectly what we need to see in the moment. And for now, for me, that’s enough. And to make it all perfect I have a song stuck in my heart tonight, I haven’t heard it played. I only hear my own voice singing it in my body, “We are all innocent….”


I recall once, when I first experienced the profound reality of Confession. I said to my Confessor, “But God sees all that really ugly stuff inside of me!” I was truly humbled by the reality of my failings. “Oh yes, but God doesn’t have much time to waste on what’s ugly because the Universe is too much in love with all that’s pure, and Holy and RIGHT.” Over years I have come to see that I can only be the whole being that I am. And, most of the times that I have attempted to be crafty, to conceal what I thought should be concealed and reveal what *I* thought should be revealed when I thought I should reveal it – that I have done damage. And, the pole of that is that I have also come to realize that on at least a few occasions, when I expressed the wholeness of who I am, without doubt, without contrivance, that in innocence some thing, or some one, heard something RIGHT.

I am willing to be the Fool for now, to try on his garb, and dance in those innocent footsteps, sometimes courting disaster. And don’t you find it quite interesting that the fool card is followed immediately, not ten or twelve cards from now, by the Magus? The one I think of as the Master, the one focused with purity and singularity of purpose. Is it possible to dance between the two? It must be or one would have to leave the Fool long behind to experience the Magicaan. Instead, they are friends, traveling parallel paths, one on the footfalls of the other.


Surely there must be some occult librarian to whom I can point for justification?
I hope that made you smile.

~Lee
The librarian who knits, who sews, who tries to grow gardens, who argues with her children, makes not so wise decisions (sometimes when she knows she’s doing it too!), reads less than she likes to confess and is looking to travel light.

I'm still here. Yes. I'm sure of it. I had intended to write a little post about my Easter gifts; aren't they cute? They were fun!

I also intended to write what would have been, I'm quite sure, an eloquent post about this magnificent Easter gift:



And! I have mentally written a lengthy post about my experience of the Fool card in the Tarot Deck for Tarot Thursday. There's also a post about Wellness Wednesday. Well, that post might have been filled with all the things that I haven't been doing in order to see my own health and well-being progress.

The truth is, I've been a little blue. My life at home has been, ummmm, I think the best word might be, "complex." And my life at work has been challenging and hectic. So for a little while now, I've found it easier to read your blogs, devour your words and do a little twittering. I feel this cycle reaching its conclusion and I believe I will write for you the Tarot post this weekend (I'll be behind, please forgive me!) and a little update.

I am going to be moving. Pretend that I've said it with conviction and enthusiasm. Yet, I have no idea where just yet and I'm a little bit worried about that. But, moving is inevitable and so I'm determined to see the possibility and infinite potential for good things. I have to laugh though, my back isn't quite as enthusiastic as I'd like. Tumor guy did not go on vacation as ordered, wishing instead to observe the coming feat. This could be an interesting dance.

If not this weekend, soon. With lots of great, new tidbits to share.

Cheers! ~LeeA

Hey you!

Where have you been? Whatcha been doin? This is what I've been doing.

Little of this, little of that, still trying that ATC thing I like this one best.
I still can't take a photo to save my life - but she looks very sweet. The body is ripped pieces of tissue paper, I outlined with a bit too much glitter - but I like her all the same. I had a fabulous time with the felted roses and that little pincushion was sweet too. I recommend the felt roses to everyone as a fun project. But for those who don't want to have that kind of fun, drop me a line, I'll be happy to sell a few. I think they're just the right kind of quirky, very librariany I think.

I've Been doing a lot of tarot listening (that sounds awkward doesn't it? but for the moment, I like that better than "reading.") I like leaving the cards on my alter although in the past I have resisted anything which divides the deck. For now, I'm loving the whispers each night as I turn to the night.

And...well...

I've been feeling a bit under the weather. Actually, A LOT under the weather. I've had some strange symptoms (unbelievable itching for one thing, is that weird or what?) and a sudden increase in my pain levels. I am accustomed to living with a score of about 14 on a 1-10 pain scale and this week, the score shot up to about 19. It was not pleasant. The doctor checked to see if I'd had a stroke which was what was in the back of my mind as I debated whether or not to make an appointment. Fortunately, no stroke. Yeah! It's always so nice when something on the worry agenda is removed without doubt. But, there's no real explanation otherwise either. So, having sent my daughters (both of the Seattle crew, Fran and Saoirse)off on a cross country trek to Indiana along with grandsons Cash and Chase, I have several days to relax, listen, sort out and just be. You know, you have to laugh don't you? I get some down time from grandma duty and I spend it itching and wincing. There's something profoundly funny about that and probably very meaningful.

For the weekend I'm re-reading my favorite book of all time, Kristen Lavrensdatter, working on a little bibliography and knitting 6 inch squares when I'm not doing what one does with itches. I hope you're having a full and peaceful weekend. I'll be back!
~Lee

The Cards on my Altar

Are still hard to speak about. I'm worried that my sloth might slow down the group. Occasionally, truth is difficult, tender - especially when it's easy and oh so obvious I believe. Maybe that's what makes them so hard; they should have been easy.

Have you ever just begun something, say, a dance, or a trip across a covered bridge? When you first cross that threshold, you can suspect, maybe even believe, that you know where the journey will lead; but you're not absolutely sure. No. The truth is, you don't want to be sure.

They say it's a sure sign something is up when one begins speaking in the second person. Yes? Okay, let's try this again. I can see down the road, I can feel the fog settling on my skin, I hear birds singing from far off. the other side of the bridge is hardly a mystery - I think it's the getting there that troubles me. But, at this moment, though I'm pretty certain of where I'm headed, I'm doin' right fine just to dance around these first few steps inside the threshold thank you very much! I was going to continue avoiding this discussion (and likely I'll continue to do some fancy dancing and shape shifting!) but then...

This evening, I'm blogging around (I just love that phrase!) and I happen to come by the blog of a bookbinder and conservationist. Lovely blog. Just lovely. AND!! About the last place I'd expect to see the Judgment card! There it was my friends, waiting just for me, a deck that I don't recognize. AND! I don't recognize this deck but it's even more cheery than my Universal Waite. PPFFTT. Okay, so now I have to take a look at this. I mean, when tarot cards start popping up on my library blogging route, something demands my attention.

So, just inside the threshold where I'm hanging around, lingering, okay maybe lollygagging - I am greeted by Judgment. I can see those other cards, but they're down the path and I'm lingering here just at the very beginning. I kind of like it here, pretty comfy, not too wet. "Hang out for me down there guys, I'll be along in a bit!"

{Insert/Sidebar/Glimpse inside my brain: When I "see" this post I am standing, just inside the covered bridge North of Nobelesville,Indiana. I can't remember the name of the bridge but the neighborhood is called Riverview. It's a beautiful place, my family outtings were often there, my father and grandfather, my uncles and cousins fished there. But in this view, which stays with me the entire time I am writing, it's raining outside and I am alone. Perhaps it's late autumn, the leaves are gone, the soil is muddy and I am wearing a cloak. I have girly boots on, not at all like me and surely not appropriate for the muddy sod. I'm standing just over the threshold, one foot inside but not quite all of me. The boards of the bridge whistle and sing and I hesitate to go any further. Surely this wood has grown less secure than it was in my childhood. Surely the weight of years has weakened the structure and leaves me in danger. Yet I know this is safe, how many have crossed this path before me in safety...yet I delay.I know every board on this bridge, every crevice, every tiny place where children stop to drop rocks into the river below, and every dark corner where young lovers linger, why do I delay?}

And, for today, Judgment speaks to me. Look at that card. Is that a sad, scary, hold your breath kind of card? Look! It's a happy card! Maybe tomorrow I will be struck by deeper, less obvious symbolism, you know, maybe tomorrow I'll read all that subtle, gypsy kind of groovy stuff. But for today, all I can see is those happy colors. The Joy in this card just about knocks me over each time I walk by. Do those people look like they're partying or what?

I think that's not how this card looked to me in the past. I know, I know - this is a card of freedom from struggle and release. I guess that's kind of jubilant, but I'm pretty convinced that in the past, I thought those people were pleading, not partying. I know what they say. I also know what I know tonight, just tonight. And tonight, that card is jubilant - Jubilation. (I only typed it three times, I've said it about 20 times in my mind) That's a word I think few would associate with me. I'm a little on the grey side generally speaking. And each time I walk past my altar, these cards, this one specifically almost irritate me with their bright, cheery colors. PPFFTTT.

Why does this card bother me so much? WHY! Okay, I'm going to tell you why. It bothers me because it's not scary! Judgment is supposed to be frightening is it not? After all, I have fallen short, I have screwed up, I dropped the ball. I have a million phrases for it and those are only the ones with language fit for a public place. And none of them, let me tell you, none of them are present in this card! Not in my own deck and not in some surprise deck ambushing me from the corner of the preservation room! Maybe I should go find my Thoth deck - maybe it's a scary card in that deck. There will be hell to pay! I'm convinced of it. And when judgment comes, it's time to pay the tab.

But now I wonder. Could it be, is it possible, that when seen from Infinity, from the eyes of the Divine, I don't come up quite so short? Maybe I'm okay after all? I can go to all those seminars with the best of you and say the words, "I am okay, I am Divine, I AM!" but the truth is, I don't believe them. I think I've got a lot invested in not being okay, in being sure that I'll face that judgment someday and my name's going to get crossed off of some Cosmic party list. The tender truth is that I treasure my unworthiness, I keep it close to my heart and protect it fiercely. It's the place I know most intimately, I know the heartsounds and the footfalls, the accusative voices, the disappointed eyes. "...for that which I have done that I ought not have done and that which I should have done but have failed to do..." Oh I hear those words when there is nothing but the wind. There are all those, "Lee didn'ts" to be answered for, those are worse, but not much than the "Lee didits." When it's time to settle up the accounts, I've just been a little bit concerned that I didn't bring enough cash and my card will be rejected. But maybe, maybe those words I say by wrote after some inspiring gathering really are true and not just a crutch as I so often fear, to keep me going until that terrible day of judgment sneaks up and clobbers me from behind. Maybe my debit sheet isn't so unbalanced after all. Maybe? You think?

Maybe, just maybe, judgment is jubilant. Maybe there's some stuff on that list that's pure, that's Holy, loving, kind. Maybe all the "Lee didn'ts" and the "Lee Didits" are Divine. Interesting concept, yes? Think I have to dance with that one for awhile.

Go dance yourself instead of sitting round reading LONGGGG posts about covered bridges and cheerful tarot cards!
~Lee

Another PinCushion and a bit of knitting

I have made another little pincushion. My newest Library Assistant, the most cheerful, organized young woman I've yet to meet, cannot be with us for the next academic quarter. I made this little pincushion from scraps given to me by another of our students as a "thank you" to Kayla for all her efforts in our library. Kayla was very helpful and our library is a better library because she was here. I hope she can join us again in the future. Thanks, Kayla!

I'm following this knit-along. The project is just the right simplicity level for me; 6 inch squares that can all be joined together to make a blanket. It's not a big project at any point in time and each touchstone feels like a small victory. I don't have to buy 3 pounds of yarn for a project I might never finish, I don't have to carry a huge project to the dentist's office and there's no pressure to finish by any particular date. I like the project but more, I like the idea of sharing the project with a woman from the other side of the Universe. I promise not to get on my "Blogging might could lead us to world peace" soapbox. Nevertheless, it makes me smile throughout the day when I think about this simple project, shared by women around the world. What do you suppose the feminine equivalent of WHOOOHA! sounds like?

I also had some great fun experimenting with marbleized papers.


I found the directions here, at Calamity Kim's. My photos of the project were, as usual for me! horrible and do not accurately display the resulting papers which are magical. And, I must tell you this: This activity is somewhat addicting. I think even that even if you never plan to use these papers for ATCs, or anything else, that it's just FUN. The process of watching the colors emerge and morph is mesmerizing. I found myself making up stories, it felt like having a magic wand and painting pictures with the clouds. Very relaxing.

What have you been doing that's relaxing for you?

Lee

Tarot Thursday - Balance

I had a wonderful and inspiring weekend at the ACRL gathering in Seattle this last weekend. Alexie Sherman was entertaining, thought provoking, passion inspiring and darned funny. I really love it when another human being speaks my words, utters my thoughts. I love it especially when they do it better than I could ever dream of doing it. You understand, right? When you sit in awe and constantly find yourself thinking, "yes! exactly! oh yeah, THAT'S what I meant!"

I got lost in the rush and demand that a conference can be and I almost (gasp!) forgot about Tarot Thursday. I did do it! But...not until Sunday. Our lesson this Thursday was to lay the cards out as before, sit with them and see which cards called to us. I laid the cards out. I stared. I thought about this card, or that card, what this one means, why maybe I like or dislike this one, why am I avoiding that one, how come that one seems as though I've never seen it before? I went round and round and finally decided that I was over thinking it and trying too hard to direct the process (I do that sometimes). So I took a deep breath, went back to reading for a moment, glanced up at those cards and then, on impulse, without interior prompting(uh huh, yeah, right), I reached out,and just picked up some cards. That's right, I sat suddenly up and simply pulled some cards from the spread until I felt like I was finished. These are the cards I pulled.



Now. I have this sneaking suspicion that if you've never seen a tarot card before, if you think tarot cards are who ha, no matter what you think, surely you can pick up the theme here. Yes? I've backspaced over my sentences several times now, tempted to speak about that theme. But not yet. No, not quite yet. I'm sure you can see it anyway and words are only words.

I'm still laughing about it. Okay, moments are when it feels very tender and I am certainly not laughing. This feels like a truth that I shall dance with slowly. The cards lay on my altar now as suggested in our weekly lesson, whispering each time I pass by. Yes...a right, slow dance.

Please join if you are inclined. I'm loving this direction to take a slower, deeper look than I might otherwise on my own.

Lee