The Cards on my Altar

Are still hard to speak about. I'm worried that my sloth might slow down the group. Occasionally, truth is difficult, tender - especially when it's easy and oh so obvious I believe. Maybe that's what makes them so hard; they should have been easy.

Have you ever just begun something, say, a dance, or a trip across a covered bridge? When you first cross that threshold, you can suspect, maybe even believe, that you know where the journey will lead; but you're not absolutely sure. No. The truth is, you don't want to be sure.

They say it's a sure sign something is up when one begins speaking in the second person. Yes? Okay, let's try this again. I can see down the road, I can feel the fog settling on my skin, I hear birds singing from far off. the other side of the bridge is hardly a mystery - I think it's the getting there that troubles me. But, at this moment, though I'm pretty certain of where I'm headed, I'm doin' right fine just to dance around these first few steps inside the threshold thank you very much! I was going to continue avoiding this discussion (and likely I'll continue to do some fancy dancing and shape shifting!) but then...

This evening, I'm blogging around (I just love that phrase!) and I happen to come by the blog of a bookbinder and conservationist. Lovely blog. Just lovely. AND!! About the last place I'd expect to see the Judgment card! There it was my friends, waiting just for me, a deck that I don't recognize. AND! I don't recognize this deck but it's even more cheery than my Universal Waite. PPFFTT. Okay, so now I have to take a look at this. I mean, when tarot cards start popping up on my library blogging route, something demands my attention.

So, just inside the threshold where I'm hanging around, lingering, okay maybe lollygagging - I am greeted by Judgment. I can see those other cards, but they're down the path and I'm lingering here just at the very beginning. I kind of like it here, pretty comfy, not too wet. "Hang out for me down there guys, I'll be along in a bit!"

{Insert/Sidebar/Glimpse inside my brain: When I "see" this post I am standing, just inside the covered bridge North of Nobelesville,Indiana. I can't remember the name of the bridge but the neighborhood is called Riverview. It's a beautiful place, my family outtings were often there, my father and grandfather, my uncles and cousins fished there. But in this view, which stays with me the entire time I am writing, it's raining outside and I am alone. Perhaps it's late autumn, the leaves are gone, the soil is muddy and I am wearing a cloak. I have girly boots on, not at all like me and surely not appropriate for the muddy sod. I'm standing just over the threshold, one foot inside but not quite all of me. The boards of the bridge whistle and sing and I hesitate to go any further. Surely this wood has grown less secure than it was in my childhood. Surely the weight of years has weakened the structure and leaves me in danger. Yet I know this is safe, how many have crossed this path before me in safety...yet I delay.I know every board on this bridge, every crevice, every tiny place where children stop to drop rocks into the river below, and every dark corner where young lovers linger, why do I delay?}

And, for today, Judgment speaks to me. Look at that card. Is that a sad, scary, hold your breath kind of card? Look! It's a happy card! Maybe tomorrow I will be struck by deeper, less obvious symbolism, you know, maybe tomorrow I'll read all that subtle, gypsy kind of groovy stuff. But for today, all I can see is those happy colors. The Joy in this card just about knocks me over each time I walk by. Do those people look like they're partying or what?

I think that's not how this card looked to me in the past. I know, I know - this is a card of freedom from struggle and release. I guess that's kind of jubilant, but I'm pretty convinced that in the past, I thought those people were pleading, not partying. I know what they say. I also know what I know tonight, just tonight. And tonight, that card is jubilant - Jubilation. (I only typed it three times, I've said it about 20 times in my mind) That's a word I think few would associate with me. I'm a little on the grey side generally speaking. And each time I walk past my altar, these cards, this one specifically almost irritate me with their bright, cheery colors. PPFFTTT.

Why does this card bother me so much? WHY! Okay, I'm going to tell you why. It bothers me because it's not scary! Judgment is supposed to be frightening is it not? After all, I have fallen short, I have screwed up, I dropped the ball. I have a million phrases for it and those are only the ones with language fit for a public place. And none of them, let me tell you, none of them are present in this card! Not in my own deck and not in some surprise deck ambushing me from the corner of the preservation room! Maybe I should go find my Thoth deck - maybe it's a scary card in that deck. There will be hell to pay! I'm convinced of it. And when judgment comes, it's time to pay the tab.

But now I wonder. Could it be, is it possible, that when seen from Infinity, from the eyes of the Divine, I don't come up quite so short? Maybe I'm okay after all? I can go to all those seminars with the best of you and say the words, "I am okay, I am Divine, I AM!" but the truth is, I don't believe them. I think I've got a lot invested in not being okay, in being sure that I'll face that judgment someday and my name's going to get crossed off of some Cosmic party list. The tender truth is that I treasure my unworthiness, I keep it close to my heart and protect it fiercely. It's the place I know most intimately, I know the heartsounds and the footfalls, the accusative voices, the disappointed eyes. "...for that which I have done that I ought not have done and that which I should have done but have failed to do..." Oh I hear those words when there is nothing but the wind. There are all those, "Lee didn'ts" to be answered for, those are worse, but not much than the "Lee didits." When it's time to settle up the accounts, I've just been a little bit concerned that I didn't bring enough cash and my card will be rejected. But maybe, maybe those words I say by wrote after some inspiring gathering really are true and not just a crutch as I so often fear, to keep me going until that terrible day of judgment sneaks up and clobbers me from behind. Maybe my debit sheet isn't so unbalanced after all. Maybe? You think?

Maybe, just maybe, judgment is jubilant. Maybe there's some stuff on that list that's pure, that's Holy, loving, kind. Maybe all the "Lee didn'ts" and the "Lee Didits" are Divine. Interesting concept, yes? Think I have to dance with that one for awhile.

Go dance yourself instead of sitting round reading LONGGGG posts about covered bridges and cheerful tarot cards!
~Lee

Another PinCushion and a bit of knitting

I have made another little pincushion. My newest Library Assistant, the most cheerful, organized young woman I've yet to meet, cannot be with us for the next academic quarter. I made this little pincushion from scraps given to me by another of our students as a "thank you" to Kayla for all her efforts in our library. Kayla was very helpful and our library is a better library because she was here. I hope she can join us again in the future. Thanks, Kayla!

I'm following this knit-along. The project is just the right simplicity level for me; 6 inch squares that can all be joined together to make a blanket. It's not a big project at any point in time and each touchstone feels like a small victory. I don't have to buy 3 pounds of yarn for a project I might never finish, I don't have to carry a huge project to the dentist's office and there's no pressure to finish by any particular date. I like the project but more, I like the idea of sharing the project with a woman from the other side of the Universe. I promise not to get on my "Blogging might could lead us to world peace" soapbox. Nevertheless, it makes me smile throughout the day when I think about this simple project, shared by women around the world. What do you suppose the feminine equivalent of WHOOOHA! sounds like?

I also had some great fun experimenting with marbleized papers.


I found the directions here, at Calamity Kim's. My photos of the project were, as usual for me! horrible and do not accurately display the resulting papers which are magical. And, I must tell you this: This activity is somewhat addicting. I think even that even if you never plan to use these papers for ATCs, or anything else, that it's just FUN. The process of watching the colors emerge and morph is mesmerizing. I found myself making up stories, it felt like having a magic wand and painting pictures with the clouds. Very relaxing.

What have you been doing that's relaxing for you?

Lee

Tarot Thursday - Balance

I had a wonderful and inspiring weekend at the ACRL gathering in Seattle this last weekend. Alexie Sherman was entertaining, thought provoking, passion inspiring and darned funny. I really love it when another human being speaks my words, utters my thoughts. I love it especially when they do it better than I could ever dream of doing it. You understand, right? When you sit in awe and constantly find yourself thinking, "yes! exactly! oh yeah, THAT'S what I meant!"

I got lost in the rush and demand that a conference can be and I almost (gasp!) forgot about Tarot Thursday. I did do it! But...not until Sunday. Our lesson this Thursday was to lay the cards out as before, sit with them and see which cards called to us. I laid the cards out. I stared. I thought about this card, or that card, what this one means, why maybe I like or dislike this one, why am I avoiding that one, how come that one seems as though I've never seen it before? I went round and round and finally decided that I was over thinking it and trying too hard to direct the process (I do that sometimes). So I took a deep breath, went back to reading for a moment, glanced up at those cards and then, on impulse, without interior prompting(uh huh, yeah, right), I reached out,and just picked up some cards. That's right, I sat suddenly up and simply pulled some cards from the spread until I felt like I was finished. These are the cards I pulled.



Now. I have this sneaking suspicion that if you've never seen a tarot card before, if you think tarot cards are who ha, no matter what you think, surely you can pick up the theme here. Yes? I've backspaced over my sentences several times now, tempted to speak about that theme. But not yet. No, not quite yet. I'm sure you can see it anyway and words are only words.

I'm still laughing about it. Okay, moments are when it feels very tender and I am certainly not laughing. This feels like a truth that I shall dance with slowly. The cards lay on my altar now as suggested in our weekly lesson, whispering each time I pass by. Yes...a right, slow dance.

Please join if you are inclined. I'm loving this direction to take a slower, deeper look than I might otherwise on my own.

Lee

Oh oh!!!

LIBRARIAN TRADING CARDS!

http://www.flickr.com/groups/librariancards/pool/

This definitely requires some thought I believe.

More after ACRL after which I am sure I will be inspired, reconnected, enthusiastic and ready to roar. Maybe I'll see you there - I'll be the one knitting the blue Zune pouch that I've been knitting for a six months now.

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

~LeeA

Five Good Things

Wow! It's been a long time since I've done one of these. Feels nice, just imagining writing it, scanning my Universe for items to include. I'm smiling and I haven't even yet identified my five good things.

• I'm meeting the Head Librarian for my company tomorrow. She is delightful. She is a role model and a mentor. Everything I'd like to have said about me professionally someday, I can say about her.
• And! The reason I'm meeting her is that the ACRL is in Seattle this weekend. AND I'M GOING!!
• Dinner in the oven, prepared by daughter and I. That was fun. And it's going to be GREAT tasting too.
  
• Having a root canal and getting an ear infection during the same week was NOT fun but it's almost over now. I can feel the little creeps crawling toward the door and I feel much relieved. I can't quite yet hear from my right side, but there are some advantages to this, eh?
• Have been given some new, interesting responsibilities at work. I'm looking forward to feeling a bit of "pressure."

Okay, that's FIVE. I could go on for several more.

Like!!

It's been since February 22nd that I've had a cigarette. There's a couple of moments when I wanted one but so far I'm abstaining and I think I'm beginning to feel some positive effects. It seems like my thoughts are a bit clearer at least. And, another bad habit which I indulge in (can I just not yet confess what that is?) was cut by 70 % today. I'm hoping for a similar day tomorrow - and the next, and the next.

What are your Five Good Things?

It's a full moon, maybe a good night to dance in the moonlight and smile, offering your gratitude for the many good things in your life.

Namasté

Lee

Tarot Thursday

I'm following along with Tarot Thursday and posting here about the exercises as we progress through the Tarot deck. I'm really grateful to have this study opportunity and I think I'm going to love sharing with you. I know, it's not crafting and it's not librarianing, but it's part of who I am and something I wish to share.

Before beginning the first week's lesson, there was a discussion about choosing a Tarot deck. I wanted to speak some about that also. I love Tarot cards and even when I was very young, I was fascinated by the colors, the movement and the stories that I believed I saw in the cards. I spent most of my adult life in a New Age spiritual community and I was immersed in Tarot cards, astrology charts, past life regressions and the tenants of The Secret long before it was cool. So, I've seen a lot of Tarot decks. Some are quite beautiful, moving, mesmirizing even. But, at the end of the day, I always return to the Universal Waite deck. Other decks, like the Thoth deck and the Haindl Tarot are really special to me. Both of these decks speak to me very clearly; but the Waite deck dances with me and just brings me a feeling of perfection, receptivity, confidence and perfect surrender and balance. I love these images.

For our first exercise, Luna asks that we separate out the Major Arcana and lay those 22 cards out as in the photo below, and then, to share, if we wish, our responses as we dance with the cards a little while.



Ahem. Okay. The first thing I noticed wasn't about the cards at all. It was about me (but it always is, isn't it?). I'm such a hot shot sometimes, such a know-it-all. I've read about Jung's archetypes, I've done the groovy, cool Humanistic Psychology gatherings and rituals, I've read a million tarot books and I've given and received countless readings. But I've never done this exercise before! I've never thought about the specific step by step path through those archetypes. Brash and arrogant as I can be, I think this was my thought (if there was thought which I'm doubting): It begins with The Fool and progresses, culminating in The World. That's it. The beginning and the end, how much more do I need to really know? Hrumph! I thought I knew the meanings of the cards, or if I didn't know, They would tell me. But somehow, in my rush and arrogance, I never put the card with a number and followed the path! What an eye opener that was. About me, and about the cards.

So first I'm a little aghast. How come DEATH is right there! Why isn't DEATH either at the beginning or at the end? PPFFTT. You mean I have to go through ALL THAT and get SOMEWHERE only to die? How unfair is that? Man! I can feel the temper tantrum coming on strong now. And how come Temperence is right in the middle there, looking so sweet and pretty between DEATH and THE DEVIL??? That can't be right! And did you ever notice (well no Lee, of course you never noticed because you never spread the cards out in sequence) that after The Lovers, the other figures are pretty much solitary? And then, while I'm reeling with all this, I realized, at least I think I realized, that I've never drawn The Chariot. Can that be? I've pulled it for others, but I do not think in a reading for myself, whether I'm the reader or someone else is the reader, have I drawn the Chariot. I'm betting there's a story there.

I believe this will be an interesting journey. I hope you won't mind standing with me as I walk the path, and join along if you like.

Struggle is optional

Gosh! I had a lot of blog plans and I'm just not sure where they went. It seemed for a few weeks there that I was in a fit of creating - aprons, pot holders, pincushions, knitting and some feeble ATC attempts. And I didn't blog any of it! Well, I made these pincushions on a lark and then signed up for a swap. I rather like them. I've been reading again some (and man oh man do I have a lot to say about The Last Lecture but I'm not sure that I should!) and cleaning and mostly worrying some about if and where I'm going to move. But! more important to me at the moment is something I have not been doing.

I have not smoked a cigarette since February 22nd. Now. I agonized over that sentence. I almost typed, "I smoked my last cigarette on February 22nd." I suppose that I'm a bit too proud and don't like the humiliation of ever being wrong and so I just could not bring myself to type it that way. Because the truth is, I might race out to the store any minute and smoke my next one.

I did not intend to begin this endeavor. Well, we all know that of course I did! But the small me, the me that is my brain and personality did not begin this journey on purpose. It happened by accident (and of course, there are no accidents). It was Sunday night and I just didn't feel like going to the store for cigarettes when I ran out. Then Monday I forgot and by the end of the workday Monday I just wanted to go home and crash. Before I knew it, Tuesday night was here and I wanted to smoke but I had no cigarettes. So, I just played this little game with myself. It's called the, "do you feel like going to the store just for cigarettes" game. I didn't. And, I still don't. Well, maybe I do a little bit, but so far, it's not an overwhelming urge.

Then I announced it on Twitter. Now, another thing. When I announced it on Twitter, I wasn't BRAGGING that I hadn't had a cigarette. I wasn't announcing that I didn't intend to have another cigarette. I was actually complaining! In the same way that coffee addicts say things like, "Well, I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet." Someone responded to my post with congratulations and I, liar that I am, accepted them. And so it goes. And then I continued the game. I think I won't go to the store for smokes today. Nah, I won't go, too busy, have other things to do. Besides, I don't really want one that bad. Yet. Maybe you will tonight. Okay then, well, tonight if you really want to, you'll go to the store I suppose. But not yet.

A few people around work wanted to know "how I did it." But the truth is, I hadn't yet done it. And, I don't know that I ever will have done it. I haven't quit. I can't even say that I'm "quitting." I just didn't smoke yesterday or yet today. I'm not setting it in stone, I'm not creating a battle, I'm not going to struggle. At this moment, all I'm doing is letting the part of me that wants to breath clear and smell fresh and not spend $6 a day on something unnecessary carry the day. I might decide later today to let the part of me that loves that deep inhale take over.

But not yet. Not yet today.

This post is dedicated to my Dad. My Dad quit smoking one day, without warning after , I'm guessing, 40 years or so of smoking 3 plus packs a day. There was no fanfare, no speech, no "quitting date." One day, he just did it. I myself have quit a couple of times in the past, once for several years! During that one long haitus I had asked my father, "Hey Dad! How long before I'll stop WANTING to smoke?" And my Dad answered, some 20 years after he'd quit, "Never." He went on to tell me that not a day passed, and often not an hour, when he didn't WANT to have a smoke...but, he said, "I just don't." That's my Dad for you, "I just don't." I think of that , or have thought of that often this last week. I might go to the store in a minute, but right now, "I just don't." Thanks, Dad.