Goals for 2009

I've been thinking about this A LOT. For several days now an old hymn has been ringing through my mind, the words go something like this:

I am resolved no longer to linger,
Charmed by the world’s delight,
Things that are higher, things that are nobler,
These have allured my sight.

Only, I always thought it was "sweeter" and "purer" (How do you spell pure - er?) It's one of the things I like about my life - those old hymns. I'm so grateful to my mother for giving me that music, for making sure that it would live inside my body when everything else was forgotten. Thank you Mama. Those old songs always seem to capture my thoughts at the most fortuitious moments.

Like New Years.

Like when everyone is supposed to be making resolutions.

I am resolved....hmmmm. The persistant clanging of these words in the otherwise often empty spaces of own conversations with myself left me wondering exactly what I am resolved to do, or what would I wish I were resolved to do? In the midst of all this wondering about my own be-ing resolved I realized that I had departed from the usual clang myself over the head and force myself to write down some resolution that I knew was good for me but that I probably did not want to work on, or at least that I knew I would not work on. You know, "In 2008 I will quite smoking, I will lose 20 lbs (only twenty now!) and exercise 3 times a week." Yes. Those sound like good New Year's Resolutions. Except that they never happened - no, except that I never did them. I was never resolved.

Being resolved feels different than making a resolutions. Over days, I have begun to really feel resolved and resolutions are taking shape. My life is more than half over, it's about time I got resolved don't you think? So, what do I want my life to look like? How do I want my life to feel? How do I want to be? What do I want to invite into my life so that I am resolved?

Along those lines, I began to create a picture of a fulfilling, comfortable, resolved life. My New Year's Resolutions then became things that I WANT to do and what I want to have in my life. What are the things that I love? How do I BE when I'm being authentically me?

I'm still not done, but this is how it's looking so far:

I am a mother - I want to be more connected to my children and grandchildren.
I am a creator - I love creating - I will do that more on a consistent, daily basis rather than the "night before finals" approach that I have recently employed.
I want to be alive - I will begin taking care of my body so that this second half of my life can be filled with passion and creativity. This means that I will eat more alive food and begin avoiding not so alive food. I will get consistent rest, and keep consistent hours so that I can enjoy the rythym of life around me.
I am a reader - I want to read more.
I am a spinner - I want to really spin, if not daily, at least weekly.
I ama musician - I want more music in my life.
I require people - I want to seek out community
I require solitude - I need to balance both sides of me - nuture me in alone time so that community time is fruitful.

I'm sure there's some book out there which says this isn't how it's done. I'm sure that some New Age "create your own reality" will say that I need to have more specific pictures and images. Some academian might say that I need to have a plan for how to measure my succes.

But you know - I think my heart will know. I'm working on building a life that's authentic, that's me, I want a life that I WANT.

I think the picture will become clearer. I can feel it. I'm beginning to have a visceral awareness of being resolved. And, I'm likin it so far.