Change - Maybe

I saw my doctor last evening. Nothing much to report - just increase the medication and....and...."Okay, Lee. You are waiting for the pain to subside before you take on exercising and creating change. The real story is, the pain is likely not going to subside. It's not going to get better." For a minute I hated her - but my doctor is such a delight; she's so kind and warm and generous; I couldn't hate her. This is how it is.

Many years ago, 1997 I think; I made a big change. That change came easily to me; one day I just didn't feel like doing what I'd been doing and I changed. So, at that point, I created a theory. It was all New Agey and stuff having to do change is inevitable; struggle is optional. Somewhere in my mind I decided that change should come easily. (Are you smiling?) Maybe it doesn't work for others that way but it work(ed) for me (once). So I was surprised this morning when I woke at 5:30. I don't have to be at work until 10, go back to sleep. Go for a walk. Are you kidding? It's raining. It's usually raining in Seattle. Go back to sleep, the sheets are warm, my back hurts. It's not going to stop hurting; go for a walk. I fought it until 6. I think I knew, despite the internal dialogue, that I was going to walk. I shored myself up for this by reading blogs and smoking 3 cigarettes. Good plan, huh?

I found myself dressing. Good gosh; I really was getting dressed. I remembered the Zune. Oh, I can be cool like everyone else! You goof, go back to bed. Your back is not going to stop hurting; the only hope you have is to make a change Lee; go for a walk. HTF am I going for a walk? I can't even get down the stairs without wincing. So wince; just go. And I did.

The first song is, "Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women." I had to laugh; and I walked. I got lost in the music and counting varieties of lavender and sedum and I walked, and walked. I had a happy thought. Somewhere in Indianapolis, Satori is running. I wonder if she's running in the rain? I don't know about the rain, but I know my daughter is running and I know she wants me to get better. Walk some more. Three times around 4 blocks. Enough. Oh but! Little Feat is playing now..."Oh! She's like a smooth stretch of highway, oh! She's like a cool summer ride. If my motor's running right, we might lose control tonight, take my baby for a ride." Oh man, how can you stop now? I hope no one saw me singing! Twice more around. And we ended with, "She said, how are you, Harry." I said, "How are you, Sue?"

Can I promise to do it tomorrow? Maybe. I don't work until 10 tomorrow either...so maybe. It's kind of disturbing me that I woke at 5:30 - that means I actually could walk when I work at 8 - you think? I only walked for twenty minutes; not the thirty minutes which was somewhere in the back of my mind. And now, my legs are buttery (and NOT that kind of sexy butter) and and....no headache, I'm not crumpled. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can.

~Lee